I almost died

I had plans. I was over weight, and I knew I needed to do something to save my life. I have 2 wonderful boys. I wanted to play with them. Do things on the floor, be able to participate in their lives. I watched my father miss out on his life from being trapped within the confines of his obese body. I was going to change my life.

The journey to get the surgery was hard. If the program said jump...I had to ask how high? If I needed to dance a jig, then I did it. The physical and psychological assessments were continuous, while making lifestyle changes that needed to be continued for the rest of my life. I had made the decision to change my life.

The day came. Surgery was imminent. We checked in. My husband with me. The kids in their designated locations. We were shown to a room. A gown for me. A tour for my husband. I get an IV. I remember talking with old nursing friends. I am having surgery at the hospital where I work.

Then it is foggy. Apparently I went to surgery, and the night passed with little excitement. I vaguely remember being in my bed. I am just tired. Then I remember coughing up blood. No one was around. So I called the nurse. This was no little spit up occasion. It was a blood clot the size of a kidney. The nurse told me that some bleeding was normal. The look on her face told me that she was a liar.

I was rushed to the ICU. I apparently made phone calls to my husband and friend, explaining to them in my most incomprehensible manner that "something bad" was happening.

I remember doctors being around,with urgency in their tones. Someone mentioned my heart rate was high, as I then looked over my shoulder to see the monitor, where my thumper was racing at 160 beats per minute. Then I was sick. That can't catch my breath, gag in my stomach, blood retching out of my mouth. The urgency in their voices continues. Then it i mentioned to intubate me, with medications that will stop me from throwing up. They lay be flat...and I feel the needle go into my neck, filled with Lidocaine. Yes...this is happening to me. Where is my family?

I say a prayer right there...Dear Lord, please take care of these doctors and nurses who are caring for me, and give them the knowledge and strength to fix this.

I wake up, some time later....in a fog. I don't hurt. I'm just trapped. Literally. My hands are tied to my side, and my mouth unable to form words. My worst fear. I am intubated, on a breathing tube, in the ICU. Fuck! What happened?

I need to get this tube out...where is everyone?

I spent the next 3 days trying to convince the medical professionals to get that tube out of my throat. I was told many times that I wasn't sick enough for their attention at that time. I has a breathing tube for a child in my mouth, and I knew I could not meet their "protocol" for extubation. I am an ICU nurse! I knew too much for comfort. I had an escape plan. I was ready to take the tube out myself. I was telling my husband to call patient affairs. I needed an intervention.

I had bled out. All of my blood was draining into my new stomach and I proceeded to puke it up...all of it. They had to transfuse me, and redo the surgery, cleaning out all the blood from my abdomen. It was extensive. I looked like and 8 year old had gone to town with a staple gun on my stomach. I came in a fat ass needed weight loss surgery, and ended up 25 pounds heavier being fluid resecutated.

I spent 12 days in the hospital. I ended up with a wound infection, and even after all my transfusions, my blood levels were still only half what they should have been. They had to open my abdomen, getting the infection out. I went home, beaten and bruised. A hole in my stomach. We had to pack it. It looked like someone had shot me in the abdomen with a shot gun, and sent me home. It was bright red and meaty. From below my breast to my belly button, you could see in to my stomach.

I almost died. I was saved. All to try and better my quality of life for myself and family. Die trying...right?

Angie